Homesick

"The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer, and holier sort than you have known before."
-Abraham Lincoln

The following line was penned by President Lincoln in response to Fanny McCullough shortly after her father's death during the Civil War.

Saturday marks the 9 year anniversary of the death of my father. It is hard to believe that it has been that long even now, if someone had asked me back on October 5th, 1997 what I would be doing 9 years from now, then writing about my father who was no longer with us would have probably been the last thing which would have been the farthest thing from my mind.

I can remember the events of that night clearly without much effort. The day itself was nothing out of the norm, got up went to classes then dinner then to a Bonner Scholars meeting and then back to the dorm. It was around 8:00 when I got back and didn't have any homework so I was just chilling in the hall with my friends next door until 10:30 PM when I decided to go to bed early. The next part is God's honest truth that for some reason and I have only told a few people this. As I lay in bed listening to Enya, the last thought I had before falling asleep and I thought it strange that my mind drifted there. For some reason I thought "what would happen if something happened to mom or dad that they somehow passed away early what would happen?" Looking back on it perhaps God was preparing me for later that night. At 2 am I awoke to my roommate shaking me awake telling me that mom was on the phone and needed to talk to me. I thank God that my roommate had walked in at the moment the phone was ringing becasue I would have slept through it. I could tell something was wrong by the tone of her voice and at first I thought I was still dreaming(sometimes I feel as if I still am) but once I shook the cobwebs from my brian and things started to clear I felt like the world had not only stopped but fell completly to pieces. I didn't sleep the rest of the night, but I was not alone my friends next door and my roommate stayed up with me the whole night. I talked briefly with my older brother over the phone and got ready to go because my aunt and uncle were picking me up on their way down to the house. From this time things started to seem surreal (due to the lack of sleep) and pretty much lasted the rest of the week. Upon arriving home, even with people stopping in and bringing food reality still had not set in I think I keep expecting dad to walk in the house and wonder why everyone was there. Around 4 pm, I was told to lay down and try to get some sleep which I think I may have done so for a few hours but can't really recall. The rest of the week was spent making arrangements and getting things ready. It was not until the night of the viewing when we went early with the other members of the family that the realization of everything really set in and the surrealism was broken. I was very proud that we stood there for a good +4 plus hours while people waited in line to pay thier respects, and remember being told that there were people lined up outside waiting to come in the church. The next day was the actual service, to my surprise some of my friends came down from WVWC which was great although I was in the middle of dressing when they showed up which was kinda funny at the time.

Returning to school the following week I just wanted things to go back to some sense of normalicy. The same semester that dad was killed I was pledging STE, again I think God led me this direction so I could have a support group. One night I came back from my pledge meeting and on my bed was a framed paper from the brotherhood and with everyone signing or writing words of encouragement on it. I still have it to this day and have it up on my wall so everytime I see it and it give my spirit a lift.

I was going through and cleaning my files the other day and came across a few items that made me sad and happy at the same time. The first thing I found was a Halloween card from my freshmen year signed by both mom and dad, I think I really don't know why I kept it other than the fact that I am a packrat, but am glad that I still have it. The second thing was a keyring with a picture of me, dad, mom and my younger brother from Parent's Weekend my freshman year. In the picture my mom's eye is swollen due to some surgery she had on it, however if you didn't know that you might have thought someone punched her or hit her in the eye. While my brain was on this track I realized that I had something that I have been using on a regular basis that my dad got me not long before he died. As I mentioned above at that time I was a very sound sleeper and needed as much help getting up in the morning as possible. My freshman year I had two seperate alarm clocks which I used to get up in the morning. Dad got me a dual alarm clock which I still use to this day. When I realized this I was upstairs sitting on the bed and just sat there for awhile just staring at the alarm clock thinking that it was funny that something like an alarm clock could mean that much to me.

I miss my dad everyday but especially this time of year. I can still remember how there would be nights when I was young when I would get up to use the bathroom and dad would be asleep in the floor or the chair. Another thing that made losing dad when I did was that I was just coming out of the phase where it wasn't "cool" to hang out with your dad. I was just begining to understand exactly what mom and dad had done for me and my brothers. As I have mentioned in previous posts not a day or event in my life goes by that I wish my dad was not here to experience with the rest of a family. Recently I found a song by MercyMe that sums up how a feel. The song is called "Homesick" and it says everything that I wish I could and does it in manner I only wish I could.
"Homesick"

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more home sick then now

-C