Monday, January 23, 2006
World Domination 101
Many people talk about world domination while few have actual plans for achieving this goal. I am of the later group. I have a plan and there is a 95% chance that it would work.
The plan is based on the popular perception that the current electoral system is corrupt and unjust (and the fact that people are stupid and will vote for almost anyone). The plan would eventually let me go on to rule the whole world would begin with becoming governor of California. First, after moving to California write and publish my manifesto and begin building my group of followers. I would then announce my candidacy for the governorship and say that if elected I would let the former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, run the state. I would even give him part of my governor's pay. Granted, he's has been hugely unpopular, but the winner of the almost any election in California only gets 25% of the vote. If you add together the people who want to reelect him as governor and the people who will vote for someone they have seen in a movie divided by the ungodly number of people on the ballot it comes to at least 25%.
I could use and adapt the same strategy to run for the presidency. I'd promise that if I won, the incumbent at the time would be my chief of staff and I'd do whatever he told me to do. Voters would think, "That guy did what he said in California, and we'd like for him to have a second or even third another term, so what do we have to lose?" Then after I won, I'd move into the White House and immediately break every promise I made. People would whine and complain and the pundits on cable news would never shut up talking about the move but I would but I'd smooth it over by going on Jay Leno or David Letterman and use a joke, like "Hey, news flash, people: politicians lie! Duh!" The following day I would then declare total martial law over all territories formerly known as the United States of America and rename it something like "The Holy United Imperial Republic."
Then using the significant portion of the U.S. Armed Forces that had sworn its loyalty to me I would end the years of bipartisan inaction and gridlock with The Age of the Great Cleansing Fire. The culmination would be the burning of the Constitution, the dissolution of Congress, the establishment of "re-education" camps in WV, and the systematic displaying of the heads of those who opposed me on iron pikes around in front of national monuments.
Then I'd would start a war by ordering the army to attack France, mostly to boost my popularity, but secondly to get more cheese for me and my friends. Second would be Switzerland (for the chocolate and the fact they are "neutral") then I would work my way East to Germany where I would stop for a beer before continuing to slowly take over the world.
I know it is a grandiose plan but I believe it will work, because you have to have dreams.